I used to know this woman who had the most beautiful
tattooes on the top sides of both of her hands
She was forty-three years old and as far as I know
had never yet been with a man
It's not that she wasn't attractive;
she was beautiful, but it was the way that she interacted
She was aggresively passive to the point where she
would've intimidated any mitt that ever tried to catch it
on the right hand she had a tattooe of a nude girl
she claimed it is what God resembled
but on the left she had a mirrored image of the same female
and this one she explained looked like the devil
I remember once watching her touch her own breasts
how the tattooes smiled as they stared down her stomach
as if anticipating when they'd be allowed to caress
the sweet flower that they both seemed too hungry (sweet flower)
Now maybe I was high but it felt so right
heaven and hell both take to this woman's womb
It didn't make sense how she could commence
touching herself with me wide awake in the same room
but if I've learned anything in my years (my years)
I learned I no longer believe in surprise (in surprise)
but what happened next damn near stold my tears
the tattooes came alive right in front of my eyes
they both slowly stood up and climbed off her hands
and showed me why she never took some time with a man
they climbed deep inside of this woman's garden
she closed her eyes and she gently bit her bottom lip
I stepped I left and I don't regret leaving
and I'd never forget all the things I saw that evening
a glimpse of religion a piece of coming closer
to understanding more about what intrigues me most
I didn't get turned on I just got turned
I wasn't as aroused as I was concerned
for each one of em I've hurt
and every time I've been burned
I've got a lot to teach but even more to learn
so now I keep my eyes open hoping to take in all I can
about women taking in all she can
And for as long as I breathe I'll save receipt in my memory
for that woman with the tattooed hands

There's good and evil in each individual fire
Identifies needs and feeds our desire
As long as we keep our spirit inspired
She can bite her bottom lip all she wants

THE MEANING OF REGRET - The first time you meet her, your body tense to greet her. Her sweet breath, it haunts you and all pain drifts away. She brings all meaning to the light that starts your day. That's even in the rain. The tenth day of your life, she holds the hand that swings by your side, your bodies intertwine, and there's no need to say. There's nothing that's so real as the love between your lips, a jealous dream everyone reveals when they see you kiss. And then you walk away. All your love for all your life set in perspective against her back porch light, now we see what it means as she softly screams-that you wanted this more than anything in your life. And now that it's yours you need something more. For all your life, you feel, like you're missing something. And all your life, you can tell where your mistakes all began. The meaning of regret is that girls name.

There is this man who pays me $3.50 a minute to fuel his fantasy of being what he isn't, but longs to be.

Then there is me...pretending to be part of a world (that charges $3.50/ min) for such words that I have no meaning of their context. For they are merely ideas! Not realities (perhaps for someone other than me)

So, I ask you...
is meaning in reality words? Or is reality something felt in between?

Perhaps, I just use the word perhaps too often.

What happened to all the great lovers of days past?

Perfect, innocent, unrequited love...by far the best God has to offer.

Sometimes I long for similar times when love is but a mere object and never a painful reality.

What I have lost in self I have gained in confidence. As if I have lost anything at all! What foolish words from the lips of a blessed soul.

Blessed with breath. Blessed with pure ivory white skin but cursed with a won't that shall never heal...No matter what "superficial change" were to occur.

I long for the Oliver's, the Michaels, the Franks of this life. Where those happier times? Or just a mere figment of my childish imagination.

What ever happened to you, Elijah? Remember the time that you came and saved me. I knew that in time the memory of you would fade just like the pain associated with Chris's. I can barely even remember the name of the one who made you be. God, for years I wrote empty letters and filled spirit bottles with your memory...is that all but lost?

Perhaps its for the best. Who knows:)

i feel peaceful. for the first time in a long time. i feel as if something is changing.

perhaps.

i have left go of something that before hindered me.

perhaps.

or perhaps nothing at all has changed.

I am upset that people 100 years from now will have no idea who I am? Was or thought? I will just a be badly decayed grave stone in 250 years. Does it upset me? No.

I lived in my time and they shall live in theirs.

But what is time? A great conspiracy I think. Time to grow old. Time to get married. Time to die. What else is left? I never wear a watch for exactly this reason....
Call me parnoid.

Fasting. On fasting. Fasting not only brings u closer to God but it makes u closely remember people in ur life that probably aren't woth a second thought with the fondest of memories.

LOL.

Real Man University

A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man -- as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combatting Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS -- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an @!#$ When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

Oh, out with it!

I remember our times together...But this isn't first time this has happened. I remember a number of years ago. A phone call. In the middle of my bath.

Me: "Hello"
Him (I could remember the voice...He was just calling from a few blocks away): "Is Sarah there?"
Me: "Who?"
Him (close, but had already forgotten): "Is this The Milk Bar?"
Me (not wanting to argue or making him recall something that had already knew): "No, wrong #"

A phase...Does he remember me? Does he recall all the secrets he told me during our 4 am confessional? Response: none.

Him: "Oh ok, sorry"

Me: "hmmmm"

Disappointed? Perhaps. But what is the past except a bunch of idealised memories....

peace to him. I hope everything is well with u.

What if all the people u once held in high regard or had especially memorable experiences with (in your mind) didn't recall
who u were?

Ah! Perception!

Every morning I wake up with a secret fantasy: to call out of work and sleep in, but, alas, I get up and out the door before its even light out. What kind of life is this?

Oh so basically with that last post I was saying peace to "you know who", (s)he who shall remain unnamed, insert name here. I say peace. I do not seek dirty bloody revenge against thee rather I shall ahead to the old adage that the best revenge is a good life. So when you are alone, miserable, seeking truth in your meaningless life I shall have already discovered that. When you are trying to figure out why all your best friends hate you, I will already know.

Hahahaha. So, peace to you!

Ahhhh life is so incredibly funny. Its amazing what types of things might have gotten my goat big time a few months or years or even days ago that just make me grin now. Alright I will be honest. No matter how much I would love to hate him, I don't. Its not worth all the frustation to be upset at anyone that "crossed" me. I know, I know. It doesn't seem fair in our shot-them-up day of age where revenge is never a dirty word but I don't want it. I don't need to seek it because the universe, in all its infident wisdom holds the truths. Ying and yang. Crime and punishment.

My anger does nothing towards those who have "crossed" me, unfortuntely at times. I don't have any super powers to give people a bad day. BOOM! XX of 264 1st Street will have a bad day today. His wife will ruin his favorite shirt. LOL. Ahhh...

Remember: All actions are by intention, and every man shall have what he intended"

10 points if you know who said that....

All actions are by intention, and every man shall have what he intended

Well, perhaps I can post more mundane thoughts that won't affect any current situations....

Life is filled with decisions. We have the opportunity to chose whatever path we want when we are given the chance to react. When a clerk at the store is nasty to us we can a) punch her in the face b) kick her in the gut c) go hmmm huh and walk away....

well, alright maybe I focused too much on the violent choices but there is a point to this. Sometimes the quickest and easiest solution is not always the best. Like that mom who masterminded a brilliant scheme to have her cute little twin 12 year olds rob a bank for 2,500$. Wow. Brilliant. Great choice.

Well, another dollar another day..or is it another day another dollar? Who knows. Decent day.

I must admit and only after allot of thought I can say this..but I have been holding back here. Why? Well, perhaps the reasons are rather obvious. I wish I could be more honest right now in my feelings but I feel because of present circumstances I can not.

All that is important is that I am on a "right" track. Once my "problems" or rather situation is over I shall be more free in my thoughts.

:)

What did I tell u...its 1:17 and I am still here. Ha! But I did go outside a bit..kinda chilly.

peace.

Ahhh...

Its only 9am but its a pretty good morning so far. I feel energized and positive. Recently I have started to begin the AMs with a few stretches and situps, etc. I even danced around a bit. Ah! I am preparing my shopping list to head to the store. One thing I have to improve on is the transition from getting up and GOING! I like going to the store earlier...less people. Anyway, when I have more thoughts I will write them but for right now its starting to be a pretty decent day thus far. One exception, I was never give the passcode for the office so I can go over there:(

Oh well.

Life is so funny.

Youth is so dynamic, so fleeting and so confusing. Wow. I can't believe how much I feel like I am evolving. I know it sounds strange but I am starting to understand things like I never have before. You know what they say...your 20s are for making mistakes...well I don't want my 30s for making up for them! I am so happy that I have gotten to this point. I am so much better than I was 3, 2, 1 years or even 6-months ago.

I know what I need to do...I have a secret plan in my head. Its getting easier as the days go on to understand what is necessary. Sure, I am still going to make stupid mistakes and sure I am still going to regret "somethings" but hey what is life about...

Alright as I write this I am only 25 years old and in 10 years I will re-read it, remember writing it and laugh. So a note to my future self, no I do not believe I have reached the height of my development but I am happy to see how I am progressing.

Part of that progression is an acceptance of one's limitations in life. I am not seeking of physical or mental ones or even emotional. I am speaking of the limitations of well, everyday life. These ads and books we see are written by people with time, money and resources. If you are young and have none of the above then you aren't going to get the results "they have". Being jealous is not a solution. That just furthers the problem at hand.

Anyway, what is my point to all this? Well, perhaps I have none except to say that I understand things a bit better today than I did yesterday. The strength I have is from inside myself only. For a while I sought that strength from others and was, not suprisingly, disappointed. I believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. Well, there never was.

Anyway, I will stop this for now. I will give you more update later on when I get a chance.

peace.

This week was pretty good. I feel great and thus far haven't had much problem with recovery time. I can see the level that I need to take this to: its clearly in front of me but I just have trouble sometimes connecting this knowledge with the reality of everyday life! Especially in a world that seems so "anti" (for lack of a better word). The important thing is to be determined. These things take time...