In the ill-tempered salad days of my life I once believed that love was worth fighting for - and fighting hard. For the person, whom I was at that moment under the allusion of, I would probably do most of anything to insure they were happy, satisfied or most likely just short of leaving (even though they probably wanted to long ago).
I don't think I handled rejection well at that moment of my life. Not because of the fear of not being liked, or worse despised, but because I wasn't content with the thought that a reality, other than what I had created, existed.
More times than none the reality that I had created in my mind, even in its unrequited bliss, was never healthy. Most of the time it was dangerous and unfit for anyone, let alone someone with a weaker disposition to such things as heartbreak.
Now I find myself keeping more and more to myself. Sometimes it's a healthy feeling, but then I remember that if I don't allow myself to be open, I will never feel that love again.
I still remember this one man's face so well; the one who told me he liked me very much. I think, at that moment, he was genuine. Then, as the knowing wore on, he became more and more aware of what wasn't interesting, attractive or unique in his attraction.
I was sad when I met him. Confused when I left. The experience, overall, was worth the hassle of the minimum amount of heartbreak involved.
I understand that I cannot become a master of my reality until I learn to deal with the monsters (and demons) from my past. Patterns fold on top of patterns, creating paths, creating disaster.
Point blank...you read this with confusion..Why the hell would someone propose his or her weaknesses in such a public forum? Well, that is a hard question to answer.... I think it has something to do with the fact that I think what I feel is no inhumane. It is real. It is natural. It is honest. It isn't always beautiful pictures and flowers...but when has life ever been like that?
I am not scared of getting hurt because I know that I am, after all, my worst enemy. Everything that is painful in this world is manufactured, cultivated and maintained by me. Words...words...words are meaningless...
I don't think I handled rejection well at that moment of my life. Not because of the fear of not being liked, or worse despised, but because I wasn't content with the thought that a reality, other than what I had created, existed.
More times than none the reality that I had created in my mind, even in its unrequited bliss, was never healthy. Most of the time it was dangerous and unfit for anyone, let alone someone with a weaker disposition to such things as heartbreak.
Now I find myself keeping more and more to myself. Sometimes it's a healthy feeling, but then I remember that if I don't allow myself to be open, I will never feel that love again.
I still remember this one man's face so well; the one who told me he liked me very much. I think, at that moment, he was genuine. Then, as the knowing wore on, he became more and more aware of what wasn't interesting, attractive or unique in his attraction.
I was sad when I met him. Confused when I left. The experience, overall, was worth the hassle of the minimum amount of heartbreak involved.
I understand that I cannot become a master of my reality until I learn to deal with the monsters (and demons) from my past. Patterns fold on top of patterns, creating paths, creating disaster.
Point blank...you read this with confusion..Why the hell would someone propose his or her weaknesses in such a public forum? Well, that is a hard question to answer.... I think it has something to do with the fact that I think what I feel is no inhumane. It is real. It is natural. It is honest. It isn't always beautiful pictures and flowers...but when has life ever been like that?
I am not scared of getting hurt because I know that I am, after all, my worst enemy. Everything that is painful in this world is manufactured, cultivated and maintained by me. Words...words...words are meaningless...
posted by Aki at
9:55 PM
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