During my fits of frustration I momentarily see the light. I realize..I am too hard on myself for things that don't matter the end, for people unexciting to me in the larger scheme of things (actually in every sense of the word they don't mean anything to me). Am I content? That begs the question..is content contempt? Or mere complacency. Fuck that. Who needs it. I would rather be mad stir crazy than satisfied. Satisfaction is a lie. There is nothing without constant frustration and undying desire and passion for change. CHANGE! Ha! Fuck you perfection. There is nothing but emptiness in perfection. Its shallow. Its greatest depth is 6ft..in the grave! Ha! Am I angry? no. Am I happy? sometimes. Will you ever understand me? Probably not. Do you want to try? Maybe, if you have nothing better to do on a Saturday night.

Do I believe people have conversation about me? Or gossip? No. Doubtful. There is nothing much to say. I set myself up to appear transparent. Nothing that I do, or say, is of any real consequence to the individual (worth gossiping about). Which leads me to ask the ultimate question...do I contradict myself? Constantly. I will say one thing, do another. Make you believe I am a certain way when in fact I am a little bit more unlike that which I portray. But see, I am not "making" this up. This is me. Whatever you believe I should, could, would do...well thats your perception of reality. So, go ahead...judge me (you know you want to), but you will never really understand me. But to understand my motivations..thats pretty straight forward. I was put here, on this earth, for a divine purpose. The purpose? If you don't know it by now then well you don't know much about me. Worth standing by for? Perhaps, but probably not.