Dear Paul,
I cried for you today, more than I would like to admit. You are constantly in my thoughts and on my breath. I understand the agony you face. While my misery may be temporarily, yours is final. See your destiny is also my own. Why is it that death sneaks up on us? Have we forgotten that we are mere machinery? Peace to you, uncle.

I don't know why I insist on doing this. Its not like any of the people I "write" about will ever see this. I want to make a note about someone who at some point in my life meant allot to me and not in a positive way. This person occupied too much of my time and drove me to well basically insanity. I want to tell this person that there are no words in the english language to describe what happened between us. Well, now that i think about it....it was a dumb mistake that shouldn't have happened. I enjoyed our friendship prior to this "incident" and well, of course, I couldn't have enjoyed it afterwards. Anyway, I am not going to get all sappy and wish you "PEACE" or GOOD LUCK or the best because thats not what I feel about you. Would I like to see you again? Fuck no. You are a fucking asshole. But I think you already knew that. Its been about 5 years since we last met but I don't think you will ever forget me. You got away easy this time...don't press your luck again. Hey, at least I know I permeantly affected the life of one...oh snap...make that two people.

Life is beginning to become more and more like those 80s children's books were you could affect the outcome of the story based on which "page you turned to". Ahh! So little time, so many choices. One thing remains constant: reaction. That, in the end, is all we ever have control over.

There is always more than one solution to any one question. They spent the first 18 years of our lives trying to convince us otherwise.

Me thinks today is a pretty good day.

Just got the news...very positive. I am very happy. Hmmm. What's next? Got any other rabbits to pull out of your hat? I think you are beginning to understand your place in this world, bitch.

Thank you letter to the guy who left me stranded in NYC last Saturday

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-19238531@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Nov 12 18:07:20 2003


Thank you for:
-- the million emails
-- the hours and hours we spent "connecting" on the phone
-- the thoughtful text messages
-- asking me to quit my job and move to NY
-- and the countless references to my ring size

Oh and while I'm at it, thanks for:
-- sending me the airline ticket
-- picking me up at the airport Saturday morning with flowers
-- telling me that you were IN LOVE with me
-- the trail of rose petals you left on the floor of your apartment leading up to your bed
-- the "princesses walk on rose pedals" shpeel you gave me when I walked through the door (nice touch, albeit corny)
-- and for waiting an acceptable 30 seconds before trying to have sex with me once I got there, knowing that I was dead tired, having been up all night on the flights (plural - I suppose it IS hard to get a direct flight from Los Angeles when you're booking THREE WEEKS in advance).

If not for the combination of these things, I probably wouldn't have felt comfortable letting my guard down and having sex with you...

(and yes, I did make that choice. A silly mistake on my part, but my responsibility nonetheless).

A few post-sex thank yous:

Thank you for:
-- asking about my worst relationship nightmare
-- insisting that I open up to you with regards to the story of my ex-boyfriend (from TEN YEARS AGO) who went nuts after our break-up (a guy that I never got back together with, but chose to forgive some 5 years later as he is living proof that people can change. And I think we've all made mistakes)
-- and informing me that you could "never respect me" for letting him back into my life on any level. [This, of course, being AFTER you told me the story about the violent girl you dated rather recently, the one who hit you upside the head with a 2 by 4 in a jealous rage, the one YOU opted to remain friends with. Ironic, no???

And thanks for:
-- telling me that there was no longer any point in us following through with our plans for that evening
-- misreading my body language and holding it against me
-- and making false assumptions about what was said when I phoned my friend in L.A. (while you were on a business call in the OTHER ROOM).

BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY IS:

Thank you for throwing me out of your apartment at 5pm over something this trivial, knowing that I'm not familiar with NYC, that the next flight to L.A. didn't leave until 6:30am, that the hotels I called were all booked, that I only had $20 in my pocket, and that my cell phone battery had just died. Thanks.

And thanks for standing across the street, casually smoking a cig while you watched me pathetically attempt to flag down a cab to no avail as I froze my ass off.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST…

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to spend an entire evening getting better acquainted with the following:

Drag queens, drug users, celebrities, perverts, and a rather twisted guardian angel who only tried to force himself on me once. Ok twice.

Thank you J.

You are a real gentleman.

Are you Addicted to the Internet? 60% Average@Internet-User.com (41% - 60%) You seem to have a healthy balance in your life when it comes to the internet and life away from the computer. You know enough to do what you want online without looking like an idiot (most of the time). You even have your own Yahoo club or online journal! But you enjoy seeing your friends and going out to enjoy life away from your computer. The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Quiz Me!

It's starts in a rather ordinary fashion of these sort of things. In the western sky, from a distance, I believe I am witnessing some of sort meteor show. Slowly I begin to realize that what I am witnessing is far too advanced and choreographed to be natural. Suddenly it hits me that this is no meteor show! WE ARE UNDER AERIAL ATTACK! It is like one of those physiological pictures tests when you have no idea what you are looking at until BOOM you see it all at once. What I saw was the faint outline of bomber planes engaged in a carpet-bombing maneuver I would guess about maybe 50 miles away. In this instance, my view of the world is much stronger than reality, whereas I can see far, far into the distance.

I am alone, watching from an upstairs window, in the house of my parents from the bedroom I occupy during visits. I make some sort of comment what is going on to my family and they seem very disinterested and blow me off.

After sometime I begin to see the evidence of the destruction created coming closer and closer to where I am. Suddenly, a firebomb engulfs the dense forest within 20 – 30 miles of me.

Part two: I am either taking the dog out or bringing her back in. As the dog is running through the door I look up and notice that there are many houses around me that have been damaged by the bombing and are now engulfed in flames. No people are around with the exception of two “ememies” who were setting the houses that were not on fire on fire. As they came up to my house I screamed As-Salaam-Alaikum! The men look up, surprised that I am there and also surprised that I am greeting them in this way. As they approach I put out my hand, offer it them and call them brother. The men are so taken back that they don’t burn down my house and leave the area immediately. Around me, there is destruction and desertion and I am alone, in this big house, which still stands, unharmed. I am not upset. I feel resolved and at peace, but still alone.

hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate.
well, at least I am honest.

An open-letter.


Hey Asshole,
Seriously now. Do you really think you are somehow inconviencing me by trying to fuck with me? Please. Get real. I am tougher than you. I know the ropes a hell of a lot better. Above all I am a survivor. Give me your best shot, you won't even knock me down. Nothing and I mean NOTHING that you could do to me would even make me have a bad day. I laugh at your pathetic attempts to control my world from beyond the grave. Man, do you have ANYTHING better to do? I killed and buried you a very long time ago, but still you want to rehash the past? No no. LOL. This isn't even the PAST its your sick interputation of it were, in this version of reality, you are the victor. Ha. Not even close. I don't want anything from you asshole I just want to forget what you look like. Actually more than that I would like to forget your name. I don't want to remember your birthdate or your relative's names. Am I bitter? No. I just want to MOVEEEEEE on! Stop wasting your time thinking you are somehow incoviencing me or making me hate myself. Nothing you could do would even make me bat my pretty little eye lashes. You are so damn pathetic. Really, just pathetic.

PEACE!

I must enjoy fucking things up...I do it so often. Or perhaps things that I have fucked up in the past are just coming to a head, NOW, RIGHT NOW...ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Well, I am not freaking out yet...YET. :-Q

Open up

I open up stand here alone
Fully revealed totally naked
I show you all there is to see
I cannot hide anything now
These are my knees
There are my hands
I may be skin I may be bones
Nevertheless I am the same
As I was then I'm just a man
But don't give me your sympathy
You know it doesn't mean
That much to me
So don't give me your sympathy
I don't need it anymore
Living's like art
Like everything else
I got my skills I do it well
So it feels real
Or feels like hell
But if it kills I cannot tell
But don't give me your sympathy
I don't need it anymore
That much to me
So don't give me your sympathy
I don't need it anymore

An Irish Airman Forsees his Death

I know that I shall meet my fate

Somewhere amoung the clouds above;

Those that I fight I do not hate,

Those I guard I do not love;

My country is Kiltartan Cross

My countrymen is Kiltartan's poor,

No likely end could bring them loss

Or leave them happier than before.

Nor law, nor duty bade me fight,

Nor public men, nor cheering crowds,

A lonely impluse of delight

Drove to this tumult in the clouds;

I balanced all, brought all to mind,

The years to come seemed waste of breath,

A Waste of breath the years behind

In balance with this life, this death.

It starts a little but more intense than I call recall right now. The part I can recall begins with me as some sort of consuelor...or minister to people on death row. They are not only on death row, but they are waiting to be called into the room where it all happens. My job is sit with them and talk, listen to them. At first I encounter men. I believe that the first few people had done "crimes" something that "warranted" execution but then people were being executed for stranger crimes: old age being amoungst the strangest. Then the venue of execution changed. It was another room, another building and here I finally encounter my first female execution. I was never taken back by the male executions as much as the female affected me. They were executing females because they were older or somehow undesirable or they had a "diease" that the society didn't want to contend with. So, I bring my woman into the execution room and it is a cot low to the ground with two handsome white young guys on either end. I don't stay because its too hard for me to watch and go outside. As I am walking outside I hear a kind of moan (I guess the woman dying). Oh, also, the woman is kind of agreeing while she is on the table that this execution is the right thing to do. She thinks that the cost of maintaining her while she is old and "sick" is not worth it and that a pleasant drug induced death is the best choice. I am waiting outside and one of the cute executioners comes out because the shift is over. He looks at me and smiles then proceeds to try to get me to do sexual things with him. I don't want to do it at first but I concede. The whole time we are doing it he has this evil little grin on his face..it is clear he is doing this just to get off and has no interest in me what-so-ever. Its a pretty sad dream, overall.

Terror moved.

During my fits of frustration I momentarily see the light. I realize..I am too hard on myself for things that don't matter the end, for people unexciting to me in the larger scheme of things (actually in every sense of the word they don't mean anything to me). Am I content? That begs the question..is content contempt? Or mere complacency. Fuck that. Who needs it. I would rather be mad stir crazy than satisfied. Satisfaction is a lie. There is nothing without constant frustration and undying desire and passion for change. CHANGE! Ha! Fuck you perfection. There is nothing but emptiness in perfection. Its shallow. Its greatest depth is 6ft..in the grave! Ha! Am I angry? no. Am I happy? sometimes. Will you ever understand me? Probably not. Do you want to try? Maybe, if you have nothing better to do on a Saturday night.

Do I believe people have conversation about me? Or gossip? No. Doubtful. There is nothing much to say. I set myself up to appear transparent. Nothing that I do, or say, is of any real consequence to the individual (worth gossiping about). Which leads me to ask the ultimate question...do I contradict myself? Constantly. I will say one thing, do another. Make you believe I am a certain way when in fact I am a little bit more unlike that which I portray. But see, I am not "making" this up. This is me. Whatever you believe I should, could, would do...well thats your perception of reality. So, go ahead...judge me (you know you want to), but you will never really understand me. But to understand my motivations..thats pretty straight forward. I was put here, on this earth, for a divine purpose. The purpose? If you don't know it by now then well you don't know much about me. Worth standing by for? Perhaps, but probably not.

Sitting here, alone, reviewing old notes I realised something. Something pretty shocking actually. All the "secrets" that I thought I had hidden amoungst "fancy" words and seemingly criptic phrases was sooooo bloody obvious. OMG! Hahaha. I had played a big trick on myself..I thought I was so clever. LOL. The secret is out. Well, after the fact when you read it you can CLEARLY see..but in my sick little mind I think I am being slick when in fact I am just sooo damn predictable. I guess my ego is catching up on me. ROFL. Transpancy. So sad.

Funny how I find myself in love with the idea of you...

but at the same time disgusted by the thought of having you in my life.

:-*

Tom, are you out there?

I remember the better times…gleeful amongst the random 40 ounces. The time my “big brothers” allowed me to “go home” with you. Balmy summer night you gave me a tour of the scariest parts of the universe (this is the center of the universe isn’t it?). I wasn’t scared…never was. I was more free back then. With my fair skin and feminine parts I didn’t fear the things that normal girls fray about and newspapers sensationalize.

Remember the riots? You made up this crazy story that you lend an attack on Starbucks. I never did see that news. I guess they were oppressing it. In a way you were repressed, oppressed, whatever you want to call it...but in other ways you were much more free.

I wish we could forget the past, but hey why bother. At least I will always remember your crack-head ways.

An idealist? I live in the brutality of reality. Fuck you K. You know who you are. I am not scared to say it..for the first time in a long time..you are a fucking asshole. I would say I hope you burn in hell but I think you are already there...and you made it yourself. You wanta play with fire, you are gonna get burned, brother. Stop blaming your problems on others and start realising that you are nothing but a worthless prick. Oh boy...do I sound bitter? Na, just getting somethings off my chest. Damn, I feel good.

Operator, well could you help me place this call?
See, the number on the matchbook is old and faded.
She's living in L. A. with my best old ex-friend Ray,
A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I’m fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I’ve learned to take it well --
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.

Operator, well could you help me place this call?
Well, I can't read the number that you just gave me.
There's something in my eyes, you know it happens every time --
I think about a love that I thought would save me.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I’m fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I’ve learned to take it well --
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
No, no, no, no -- that's not the way it feels.

Operator, well let's forget about this call --
There's no one there I really wanted to talk to.
Thank you for your time, ah, you've been so much more than kind.
And you can keep the dime.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I’m fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I’ve learned to take it well --
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
No, no, no, no -- that's not the way it feels.

I feel good...renewed refreshed. Like I just came back from heaven. yummy.

I am on some sort of trip but its more like a field trip or guided tour with a group of people that I can't recall. We cross the border of the US over to Canada. Then we are in europe. It is very scaled down and the person that is guiding us is pointing out countries. Then he says...there is Luxembourg and in the front we see a flat field of dirt but behind it trees. The forest isn't that dense but you can visually see that the "country" isn't that large in comparison to the other "nations" around. So I start talking about some facts about this land. Someone in the class doesn't know where Luxembourg is exactly so I explain it but a large sorta CNN style map comes up. THe person says ok and I proceed to RUN to Luxembroug. I notice that the field is very level and my instructor says thats because it is air brushed. I say ok. Then a car comes up...ok...in my head I know its a volvo but its not shaped like on...its blue color (like the 83 DL color blue) but its shaped more like one of those PT Cruisers. I look inside and their are four girls but they are dressed like eastern european hmmm the people u see in the pictures. They are "going away". Getting away from their "country" (although it is never said exactly where they are from but they have the "accent" and all). Then all of the sudden this red Ferrari comes out and circles around the other car and us. Inside is a bit older white guy. Never says where he is from but he is kinda pissed that this other car is in the way (mind u that there are no roads here just space). So he runs off. Then the Volvo leaves and goes to my right and over. Don't see the Volvo anymore but then there is a crash. The Ferrari guy is pissed off cause he just hit the Volvo. The Ferrari backs up and takes off while the Volvo is there. I open the rear left side passager and see the girls...they look depressed because their car just got hit. The fiberglass of their car is fractured in a strange way. Not the typical rear damage but inside between the rear and front there is a lateral crack and you can see fiberglass exposed. So I ask the girls if they are ok and they say yes. I ask where they are going they say they are going to Maldives. I say ok...then I say you know that is a muslim country and they are like hmm sure but dont really seem to care. So they go off. We look around Europe more then I get a sense I need to find these girls in Maldives. So I go there. Its the middle of a street parade and street fair. I go into a shop and order a pita. Then we start having a conversation about how to make pita. The pita he gives me is heavy. Then he says he has another one that is fresh..and its very light. On his counter is a copy of Torah written in Hebrew. I open it up and start reading it. He says no no no we can't read it now its sabbath still. So I leave with my fresh pita. This place is crazy! Its amazing so many things going on. So many people. I eventually find the girls and convince them to come back to the US with me but we have to smuggle they out of the country because they now belong to someone. So we get them out (which is a bit of an adventure) and we are driving back to the US...trying to avoid detection. I make a comment that they should have better security on the border (strange! no border guard) and we get back to the US. So its me, the people from our field trip and instructor and the girls in the next car. We are now back in the US and happy we made it back. This is where the dream ends.