So many things are best left unsaid. This was exactly the best time for her to gracefully leave the misery which had become her reality only two weeks earlier. Another city, another love - chaos.
28.12.03
To: RB; the prelude
So many things are best left unsaid. This was exactly the best time for her to gracefully leave the misery which had become her reality only two weeks earlier. Another city, another love - chaos.
So many things are best left unsaid. This was exactly the best time for her to gracefully leave the misery which had become her reality only two weeks earlier. Another city, another love - chaos.
26.12.03
He had the brightest eyes I had ever seen - filled with so much expression.
I crave order, while he was chaos.
Our my dreams of a future together left with him that evening.
I crave order, while he was chaos.
23.12.03
One other thing, before I go...
I no longer care if you see this. Our time together is almost over. Its a good thing...but I have no regrets (were u expecting me to?)
I no longer care if you see this. Our time together is almost over. Its a good thing...but I have no regrets (were u expecting me to?)
As I find myself at the end of a new year, looking forward to the next with a great deal of caution, I realize that not only do I have no regrets about the past 12-months (or even 25 years), but I don't even care to spend so much giving it a thought. What is done is done and the cards may fall as they will. I am glad that I can say that without regret. I am sincere about it, maybe for the first time in a long time. I have memories, sure. But the "pain", if you will, also has legs and I have done my best to cut them short. Anyway, for a girl who tries to find meaning in the meaningless trivial aspects of everyday living I have come along way to this conclusion: there is no truth. No truths just instances, experiences and occurrences. In other words, life.
What a pleasant thought....life is truth or is that truth is life?
What a pleasant thought....life is truth or is that truth is life?
22.12.03
21.12.03
20.12.03
What I miss about being married to you:
1. The smell of your perfume when I kissed you on the neck
2. Sleeping together and spooning on a cold night
3. Reading the NY Times together on Sunday
4. Shopping at Fairway
5. Taking 9 months to plan that 10 day trip to France
6. Being able to buy you flowers for no special occasion
7. Watching you get dressed in the morning
8. Washing your car for you
9. Buying wine together
10. Those sexy stockings and lingerie you wore just for me
11. Cooking with you
12. Hiking to the top of the mountain and looking over the valley with you
13. Going to see foreign films
14. Lunch in the city on Friday
15. Watching all the jealous men looking at you while you were on my arm
16. The way you held my hand on long drives upstate
17. Being able to call you every day to say hello
18. Wearing my wedding ring
19. Never having to worry about finding a date for New Year's Eve or Valentines Day
Why it was horrible to be married to you:
1. You inability to reciprocate emotionally
2. The fear and panic that set in on you when you realized we were getting close
3. Letting your family, friends and job take priority over our marriage
4. Escaping our marriage by drowning yourself in work
You just could not deal with being in a close, intimate relationship. That's why we got divorced. I deserve better than you but I resent that because of your shortcomings and fears that you ruined our marriage
1. The smell of your perfume when I kissed you on the neck
2. Sleeping together and spooning on a cold night
3. Reading the NY Times together on Sunday
4. Shopping at Fairway
5. Taking 9 months to plan that 10 day trip to France
6. Being able to buy you flowers for no special occasion
7. Watching you get dressed in the morning
8. Washing your car for you
9. Buying wine together
10. Those sexy stockings and lingerie you wore just for me
11. Cooking with you
12. Hiking to the top of the mountain and looking over the valley with you
13. Going to see foreign films
14. Lunch in the city on Friday
15. Watching all the jealous men looking at you while you were on my arm
16. The way you held my hand on long drives upstate
17. Being able to call you every day to say hello
18. Wearing my wedding ring
19. Never having to worry about finding a date for New Year's Eve or Valentines Day
Why it was horrible to be married to you:
1. You inability to reciprocate emotionally
2. The fear and panic that set in on you when you realized we were getting close
3. Letting your family, friends and job take priority over our marriage
4. Escaping our marriage by drowning yourself in work
You just could not deal with being in a close, intimate relationship. That's why we got divorced. I deserve better than you but I resent that because of your shortcomings and fears that you ruined our marriage
As the days grow longer, colder (further) I find myself thinking fondly of you. Our mind's eye tends to idealise beyond that of human scope, of that of reality. My longing is beginning to take on a life of its own. I feel, sometimes, as if I know things about you in which I can never recall you revealing (or me discovering). The distance allows me to grow closer to you with every passing day. I love you sometimes but not because of your bright blue eyes or dashing smile, but because of the memory of you overwhelms my being.
17.12.03
Please, be patient. In the next week a whole new site will be born. For complicated reasons right now the whole truth can not be sad....next Tuesday everything will change.
Fairytale Of New York
By Shane MacGowan / Jem Finer (1987)
It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
And I turned my face away
And dreamed about you
Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true
They've got cars
Big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me
You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on the corner
Then danced through the night
The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing 'Galway Bay'
And the bells were ringing
Out for Christmas day
You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Living there almost dead on a drip
In that bed
You scum bag
You maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God
It's our last
I could have been someone
So could anyone
You took my dreams
From me when I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you
By Shane MacGowan / Jem Finer (1987)
It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
And I turned my face away
And dreamed about you
Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true
They've got cars
Big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me
You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on the corner
Then danced through the night
The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing 'Galway Bay'
And the bells were ringing
Out for Christmas day
You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Living there almost dead on a drip
In that bed
You scum bag
You maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God
It's our last
I could have been someone
So could anyone
You took my dreams
From me when I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you
16.12.03
How is that cold? Its just the way I feel. Maybe I am a chilly person, but deep inside I feel warm and cuddly (alone). Anyway, I do my best.
15.12.03
An older adventure from this summer...I typed it out right when I came back so there are some spelling and grammar errors (I am too lazy to correct them)
Ok
I amwalking down some street
But it not a big city
Its smaller, more European….
Like the square in Gottiengen
I am trying to recruit someone for something but its in a fun, lighthearted manner. Not pressured. They have to do a job.
So I walk all over one place and meet allot of different people
Then I walk down to anoter and see a black American guy and his friends coming out of a place. The guy is doing a little rap as he walks
Oh yes now I rmember what I am. I am a high-powered A&R person from I think something like Sony records (the name Sony came into my dream at some part during this A&R thing but I didn’t know that I wroekd for Sony)
Anyway, so I apporch this black guy and I am sweet orsomthing and he comes how with me. We have sex and he is a virgin. Why? Because he has a MASSIVE penis. LIKE SUPEr SUPER huge. I had never seen something this big before. So we go at it..and well I didn’t thinkI could take it but I do. And it is pleasant and feels good. And we are both happy.
This must be a second dream or something but it starts with…
I am in some sort of big room..kind of like a small overcrowded unemployment type office and they are giving letters out to me and this other girl (a big black american girl)
Anyway, I get my letter (before I got it I had no clue what it was going to say)
I getit and it’s a promotion! I am promoted 2-levels laterally and like 7 letters vertically.
I don’t know if it means anything but I got the scale backwads in the dream…in my dream I was promoted to a GS03, steps C – H
When in reality it should be…GS07 steps 3 – 5
Oh mY I was sooo happy and I jumped up and down. And everyone in the room was excited but the black girl only got a promotion to GS04 , steps like A – C
And she looked a little disappiointed (we wre good friends) but she was happy and I felt proud because I did better than her and I ran off jumping up and ddown and kssing her while everyone else in the room was looking at us both smiling. Smiling moreat me because I was the one jumping up and down.
So I leave the room and outside is my family. Ok, we decide I need a new place to live or something. And we are running around. Its strange we are driving through the country side but it doesn’t look like the country here it looks older..again like Europe.
Anyway, we move out of my place.
We have the choice between places but we decide on a place that’s fairly close to m y school and a little away from my work (not far).
And we go there to look at it. Well we are walking up to this HUGE BEAUTIFUL MANSION but more modern looking with large reflecting pools on the outside. Only problem…there are huge pieces of marble in our way to get to where we want to be (the flat enetrance to mansion)
So at first I grab a piece and it falls down. BOOM! It misses me but I should not that I make this attempt before my parents arrive. But it falls quickly and I am quick enough to mobe out of the way. So my parents get there and I am lookkng aron from them ,s eperately for a place to get up, and I find it but its not that easy but still I manage to over come it. And boom!I am up. They are still not up. But they figure out a way to get up that involves my mother walking on a glass coffee table with a glass fruit bowl on it with a between purple and pink orcard flooding in the water (don’t ask me about that one!)
So anyway I am up there on the flat part now and I see them coming up (they both look very fit, younger, not exceptionly but well dressed and also both in good physical shape (seems like they are much much much younger…maybe 20 years or so)
So I don’t help hem up but someone comes out the house (not sure of the sex, I never look at them all I remember is that they are smiling and happy) and they grab my mothers hand and get her up on the flat form. I don’t know aboutmy father..didn’t see that happening
Also note that I never look directly at my parents…I just know they are very very close with me and they are younger and my closest companions and advisors.
So this house is VERY beautiful. Very shallow relecting pools…withoutb oarders on them are all around us. So we get into the house and there is this girl I knew in elementrary school..Lorraine Fisher
Note; that I hve had dreams with her in itt before! Its ssooooo strange. She seems to be the “friend” level one in these dreams. But that was sooo long ago that we were friends! And I don’t eventhink we were really good friends past 8 or so.
Anywya, so we get inot the house and its beauitulf! It is made clear that there is a room for rent and that a male was living there (I think it was my current roommate?) and that he is moving out though we never see him
So the inside of this house Is really beautiful. Nice. Clean. Everything and my friend is very happy and smiling all thetime.
Anyway, I am interested in renting the room. But its strangethere are other females there..maybe 2 cant remmber the second one..well the first one I walk in wih her and lorriane in the bathroom. The girl is lying on a cabinet up high, on her side They are talking.. She is very attractive…kind of meditarian looking..olive skin..petit body, in great shape..very stylish dressed..but modest. So she has long, kinda curly hair. And they are talkinga about dying her hair. She is basically just smilng and Lorraine says something like she should go blonde and the girl agrees and they agree to do it..but this right when I walk in and I interrpute them. But they are happy to see me and Lorriaine goes to show me the room.
She says that the male room is much smaller but that he paid more rent. So we see his room and its fine..nothing great just normal with a bed in it already. The bed is a full-size (I would only put one person in it though! I hate touching someone when I sleep!)
Anyway, so we go off to see her room…
Its kind of strange that this big mansion only has 2 bedrooms! And they are average looking. Anyway, in her room there is a door that divides the room and at first I think that everything on one side is the whole room so I am not impressed. Then I realize it is bigger. So on one side there is a bed. Then I don’t realize bu tthere are a bunch of other beds. Maybe 5 in total all made up lined up neatly. So I say which is your bed and she shows me it. Its on the end…
It is a small one person bed. But I point out wow! Its old. It looks like 19th century quaker design. Except its kind of lke a big bobbin or something.
Anyway, I notice things in her room..it is all very neat but there is allot of stuff in it.
Some old, some new…oh its mostly furniture…not like junk
Anyway, so she ALWAYS smiles. I wake up at this point (computer made noise)
I m eant to have a 20 min nap…in all it was a total of 4 hours!
What does this all mean????!!!!!!
Ok
I amwalking down some street
But it not a big city
Its smaller, more European….
Like the square in Gottiengen
I am trying to recruit someone for something but its in a fun, lighthearted manner. Not pressured. They have to do a job.
So I walk all over one place and meet allot of different people
Then I walk down to anoter and see a black American guy and his friends coming out of a place. The guy is doing a little rap as he walks
Oh yes now I rmember what I am. I am a high-powered A&R person from I think something like Sony records (the name Sony came into my dream at some part during this A&R thing but I didn’t know that I wroekd for Sony)
Anyway, so I apporch this black guy and I am sweet orsomthing and he comes how with me. We have sex and he is a virgin. Why? Because he has a MASSIVE penis. LIKE SUPEr SUPER huge. I had never seen something this big before. So we go at it..and well I didn’t thinkI could take it but I do. And it is pleasant and feels good. And we are both happy.
This must be a second dream or something but it starts with…
I am in some sort of big room..kind of like a small overcrowded unemployment type office and they are giving letters out to me and this other girl (a big black american girl)
Anyway, I get my letter (before I got it I had no clue what it was going to say)
I getit and it’s a promotion! I am promoted 2-levels laterally and like 7 letters vertically.
I don’t know if it means anything but I got the scale backwads in the dream…in my dream I was promoted to a GS03, steps C – H
When in reality it should be…GS07 steps 3 – 5
Oh mY I was sooo happy and I jumped up and down. And everyone in the room was excited but the black girl only got a promotion to GS04 , steps like A – C
And she looked a little disappiointed (we wre good friends) but she was happy and I felt proud because I did better than her and I ran off jumping up and ddown and kssing her while everyone else in the room was looking at us both smiling. Smiling moreat me because I was the one jumping up and down.
So I leave the room and outside is my family. Ok, we decide I need a new place to live or something. And we are running around. Its strange we are driving through the country side but it doesn’t look like the country here it looks older..again like Europe.
Anyway, we move out of my place.
We have the choice between places but we decide on a place that’s fairly close to m y school and a little away from my work (not far).
And we go there to look at it. Well we are walking up to this HUGE BEAUTIFUL MANSION but more modern looking with large reflecting pools on the outside. Only problem…there are huge pieces of marble in our way to get to where we want to be (the flat enetrance to mansion)
So at first I grab a piece and it falls down. BOOM! It misses me but I should not that I make this attempt before my parents arrive. But it falls quickly and I am quick enough to mobe out of the way. So my parents get there and I am lookkng aron from them ,s eperately for a place to get up, and I find it but its not that easy but still I manage to over come it. And boom!I am up. They are still not up. But they figure out a way to get up that involves my mother walking on a glass coffee table with a glass fruit bowl on it with a between purple and pink orcard flooding in the water (don’t ask me about that one!)
So anyway I am up there on the flat part now and I see them coming up (they both look very fit, younger, not exceptionly but well dressed and also both in good physical shape (seems like they are much much much younger…maybe 20 years or so)
So I don’t help hem up but someone comes out the house (not sure of the sex, I never look at them all I remember is that they are smiling and happy) and they grab my mothers hand and get her up on the flat form. I don’t know aboutmy father..didn’t see that happening
Also note that I never look directly at my parents…I just know they are very very close with me and they are younger and my closest companions and advisors.
So this house is VERY beautiful. Very shallow relecting pools…withoutb oarders on them are all around us. So we get into the house and there is this girl I knew in elementrary school..Lorraine Fisher
Note; that I hve had dreams with her in itt before! Its ssooooo strange. She seems to be the “friend” level one in these dreams. But that was sooo long ago that we were friends! And I don’t eventhink we were really good friends past 8 or so.
Anywya, so we get inot the house and its beauitulf! It is made clear that there is a room for rent and that a male was living there (I think it was my current roommate?) and that he is moving out though we never see him
So the inside of this house Is really beautiful. Nice. Clean. Everything and my friend is very happy and smiling all thetime.
Anyway, I am interested in renting the room. But its strangethere are other females there..maybe 2 cant remmber the second one..well the first one I walk in wih her and lorriane in the bathroom. The girl is lying on a cabinet up high, on her side They are talking.. She is very attractive…kind of meditarian looking..olive skin..petit body, in great shape..very stylish dressed..but modest. So she has long, kinda curly hair. And they are talkinga about dying her hair. She is basically just smilng and Lorraine says something like she should go blonde and the girl agrees and they agree to do it..but this right when I walk in and I interrpute them. But they are happy to see me and Lorriaine goes to show me the room.
She says that the male room is much smaller but that he paid more rent. So we see his room and its fine..nothing great just normal with a bed in it already. The bed is a full-size (I would only put one person in it though! I hate touching someone when I sleep!)
Anyway, so we go off to see her room…
Its kind of strange that this big mansion only has 2 bedrooms! And they are average looking. Anyway, in her room there is a door that divides the room and at first I think that everything on one side is the whole room so I am not impressed. Then I realize it is bigger. So on one side there is a bed. Then I don’t realize bu tthere are a bunch of other beds. Maybe 5 in total all made up lined up neatly. So I say which is your bed and she shows me it. Its on the end…
It is a small one person bed. But I point out wow! Its old. It looks like 19th century quaker design. Except its kind of lke a big bobbin or something.
Anyway, I notice things in her room..it is all very neat but there is allot of stuff in it.
Some old, some new…oh its mostly furniture…not like junk
Anyway, so she ALWAYS smiles. I wake up at this point (computer made noise)
I m eant to have a 20 min nap…in all it was a total of 4 hours!
What does this all mean????!!!!!!
I recognize traits in you that I could easily fall in love with. How sweet you are, but I resign myself to a life of hope (wakefullness) that I will someday meet someone (reachable) who possess even a quarter of the qualities you have. Thanks. That's all I can really say right now. You know who you are.
11.12.03
I could be a hero, go out there and fight to save this land. I could be a hero, paramilitary gun in hand.
whore! I hate you. Ok, I am only lying. I don't give a fuck about you. YOU! Hahaha. you are soo cute. Really cute. You have no idea who you are (attempting to) fuck with. Remember all the energy I put into helping you? Well, I have even more energy stored up to fight against you (not destroy you). For every move you make, I have a counter reaction. For every shot you fire, I have two. On my worst day I am smarter than you will ever be. Oh snap, you think? Ohhhh hehehe that was just sillyness there. Now this is the real me. So go ahead...give it your best attempt..its nothing...really nothing. It ain't no thing, brother.
10.12.03
Does it upset you to read this? I know you read it. Even if you won't admit it secretly you seek a look every now and again. Doesn't it upset you that I write such direct things towards you all the same I never mention your name? Hmmm. How does it make you feel to be a non-person? To know deep in your heart that you are a very weak and confused person who, at the end of the day, really has nothing of any great importance to give to the world? Do you sometimes think about the space you take up? How your contributions are of no conquence to anyone.... Wow, life sucks. Doesn't it?
I just noticed that they changed the font on the little sayings on the inside of Snapple caps. Am I the only one with too much time on my hands?
LOL. Crack me up. Are you really so sad? So lonely? So confused? Waaaa are you afraid I am going to WIN? Well, listen, friend (can I call you that) THERE ARE NO WINNERS HERE! So give it up. MOVE ON. No, I don't want to be your best friend, no I don't love you, but I also don't hate you. I won't wish you the best of luck...because that would be a lie. I just say MOVE ON in other words, get a fucking life.
9.12.03
"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would."
I am writting this for YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. Are you reading it? Are you there? Do you ***understand***??
Na, you never did. Its nothing new.
Na, you never did. Its nothing new.
Part of me wants to love you. But that love comes with great responsibility and (sometimes) sacrifice. I am still not sure if its worth it... At this point in my life, I don't desire it with (incredible) energy. Its a passing (after)thought. I don't feel empty. Yet I lack fulfillment. I am not naive, I understand the ramifications of such thoughts. They can lead to a desire to be fulfilled via contact. Contact? LOL. As if, contact is the opposite of loneliness.
I feel paralyzed at times. Although I don't feel hurt, I know I am. Somehow. Perhaps I have repressed these thoughts for so long that the true feeling of them, the experience is long lost. Maybe what I feel is the everyday normal draw of living...it gets you down sometimes. Maybe I have been depressed my entire life...or maybe depression is as much a figment of one's imagination as love is.
8.12.03
Wow, what can i say? In 14-days you will die. Shocking, I know but hey it was inevitable. Feels good, eh? I don't know exactly how I will feel that day. Shocked. I guess. Relieved? Perhaps? In denial? What for?
Feels good to never have to hear your voice again. I must admit that sometimes I view old video tapes of you and remember the (good) times. No, no, no...nothing was ever good. Yea right, that's what jilted lovers always say.
Inspiration? Momentarily. I thank you for the burning desire in my soul (to change). Then again, that never belonged to you..it was there all along...
Ours was an exercise in determination (rather than self destruction).
When asked: do you love or hate? I can say neither. I just don't feel. I can, at times, smile sweetly when the momentary thought comes to mind but then again that's just a passing memory (far from the reality). Or perhaps my realities are my perceptions (more like it) and none of this really happened.
Sometimes I forget if you were ever real...or just another passing thought.
To feel, I have needs, to need I must feel. To live I must die.
Feels good to never have to hear your voice again. I must admit that sometimes I view old video tapes of you and remember the (good) times. No, no, no...nothing was ever good. Yea right, that's what jilted lovers always say.
Inspiration? Momentarily. I thank you for the burning desire in my soul (to change). Then again, that never belonged to you..it was there all along...
Ours was an exercise in determination (rather than self destruction).
When asked: do you love or hate? I can say neither. I just don't feel. I can, at times, smile sweetly when the momentary thought comes to mind but then again that's just a passing memory (far from the reality). Or perhaps my realities are my perceptions (more like it) and none of this really happened.
Sometimes I forget if you were ever real...or just another passing thought.
To feel, I have needs, to need I must feel. To live I must die.
4 boxes of Kleenex from walgreens: $4.38
8 weeks of therapy: $856.00
Bottle of wax remover for the carpet in the bedroom: $2.95
1 worn out grey bath robe from eddie bauer: $39.99
1 book "How to survive the loss of a love": $5.95
2 anti-drepressant presciptions: $20.00
not thinking about you anymore cause a hot 24 year old from the local dive bar asked me to fuck her : priceless
8 weeks of therapy: $856.00
Bottle of wax remover for the carpet in the bedroom: $2.95
1 worn out grey bath robe from eddie bauer: $39.99
1 book "How to survive the loss of a love": $5.95
2 anti-drepressant presciptions: $20.00
not thinking about you anymore cause a hot 24 year old from the local dive bar asked me to fuck her : priceless
4.12.03
Wow. Forgotten. I haven't felt as free in a long time. Peaceful. Content. Self-assured. The ghosts of Christmas past are all but forgotten. Or perhaps the reality in which I live is so artificial... I side more with the quantum physicts sense of the universe: reality is only what is in front of us. We make it ourselves, in our heads. Anyway I am taking garbage here. Its hard to be philopshical when its 80 degrees out and people have christmas decrortations around. I dont know where in the world I am but here is better...its like a sweet dream. Maybe I died.